By Hard Working Platelet
Tuesday the 11th of September, 2018
It’s official, Zoomers will live to 250. As long as you’re not a promiscuous faggot who drinks, smokes and eats shit all day who dies before the current generation of high-techu long-life Jap science gets rolled out. You’re not a promiscuous fag who drinks, smokes, and eats shit all day, are you anon? Also make sure that you get plenty of good healthy sleep at night, because you will live forever, and it’s all thanks to glorious Japan funding the ground-breaking research of Masakazu Kurita and Juan Carlos Belmonte. These science chads have just discovered the way to reprogram cells into a stem-cell-like state. This means we can now heal skin damage on an open wound, begin to counter the effects of ageing, and eventually, God willing, eliminate skin cancers.
Good news we can all enjoy for once then, as reported in the journal Nature on September the 5th. Apparently these scientists were able to heal large ulcers by reprogramming wound cells into new skin cells, at their research institute in Southern California, the Salk Institute.
Pic related above is the Kurita image that has biologyfags so excited. It represents the first proof of successful regeneration of a functional organ (in this case the skin) inside a mammal by AAV-based in vivo reprogramming. But what the fuck does that mean?
It means WE WOLVERINE NOW, and all our lazy non-Japanese scientists need to get their shit together and trick my body into growing me a new fucking liver, so I don’t have to wait 8 years for the one I fucked up in college by being a degenerate binge drinker to re-constitute itself.
What’s that? You’re some kind of sciencefag who likes details and shit? I got you, senpai. The epithelial tissues were generated by converting red mesenchymal cells into green basal keratinocytes. So far this has only been accomplished on a lab rat. Thank you, based mouse.
The senior author of the new paper published in Nature, Professor Juan Carlos Belmonte, has already declared TOTAL VICTORY over the ageing process: “This knowledge might not only be useful for enhancing skin repair but could also serve to guide in vivo regenerative strategies in other human pathological situations, as well as during ageing, in which tissue repair is impaired.”
Ha, in your fucking face, death.
Now I will not only live forever, but also be a Chad looking mother fucker with awesome hair all the way until my inevitable death by motorcycle accident at the age of 250.
So how did all this come about?
Well it appears that Science Mega-chad Masakazu Kurita was attempting to cure a cutaneous ulcer – a type of wound which extends through multiple layers of the skin. Ordinarily a plastic surgeon would transplant existing skin over the wound, but there are limits to how effective that is, even when the transplant is grown from skim stem cells taken from the patient and grown in a laboratory. Not to mention that the entire procedure takes a considerable amount of time.
Move aside brain morons, the science of glorious Nippon is here to fucking save us all. Kurita, working with his senior fellow Belmonte, has discovered how to regenerate your wounded flesh and transform it into healthy skin again.
Do you want more science, bro?
Apparently the critical step (in wound recovery) is the migration (or transplantation) of basal keratinocytes into wounds. These stem-cell-like cells act as precursors to the different types of skin cells. However where large, severe wounds have lost multiple layers of skin, they no longer have any basal keratinocytes to start the healing process. As these types of severe wounds “””heal”””, the cells multiplying in the area are only involved in wound closure and inflammation, and fail to rebuild healthy skin.
Until the intervention of Kurita (and Belmonte), that is. What these chads accomplished was to convert the cells that weren’t doing the job into basal keratinocytes — without ever taking them out of the body.
Science god Kurita put it succinctly: “We set out to make skin where there was no skin to start with.”
Abe-sama salutes you, based science man. Now please marry Sensei, so she does not die alone.
So where are we at right now, lads?
Well, topically treated skin ulcers regrew epithelia (healthy skin) within 18 days. The epithelia expanded and connected to the surrounding skin, even in large ulcers. And within three to six months, the generated cells behaved like healthy skin cells in molecular, genetic and cellular tests.
Truly we will live forever now, or at least until God strikes us down for our hubris.
I shamelessly plagiarised this article from a Salk press release. Here are all the other science lads who worked towards the Kurita and Belmonte break-through: Toshikazu Araoka, Tomoaki Hishida, David D. O’Keefe, Yuta Takahashi, Akihisa Sakamoto, Masahiro Sakurai, Keiichiro Suzuki, Jun Wu, Mako Yamamoto, Reyna Hernandez-Benitez, Alejandro Ocampo, Pradeep Reddy and Maxim Nikolaievich Shokhirev at Salk; Pierre Magistretti of King Abdullah University; Estrella Núñez Delicado of Universidad Católica San Antonio de Murcia; and Hitomi Eto and Kiyonori Harii of Kyorin University.
Go and get your Nobel prizes.
Full disclosure: [Hard Working Platelet]’s IRL name is [Red Blood Cells BTFO]. I’m an [Cartoon Science specialist] who’s keen on [Platelet Supremacy] and [Well Done Sciencefags].