Hey fat people, go to fucking sleep

By Go To Bread

Monday the 20th of August 2018

 

Everywhere I go these days I see fat people. Fat children eating hamburgers and ice cream, fat adults eating hamburgers and ice cream. Insanely fat people on Rascals whose joints have been blown out by them trying to walk on joints that God never intended to be used in conjunction with a diet of hamburgers and ice cream. Quite frankly, there are too many stupid people these days, and the early departure of these heart attack victims in the making will be of no great loss to society.

On the other hand, sometimes I see a hefty fellow or his largish wife or daughter struggling away at the gym or exercising valiantly in the park. They are making a good effort, and I salute them. They have probably been told a million times that they need to fix their diet already, and many of them have cut right back on treats.

But even with this new healthy diet and all the hard work that they are putting in their gains are slight – and easily lost.

A common complaint amongst these chunky fittys is that they have already lost the genetic lottery before they started, and therefore they often end up self-loathing and quite frequently begin backsliding into gluttony. PUT DOWN THAT BURGER.

Having several biggish friends and gym buddies stuck in permafail like this, I took it upon myself to investigate their lifestyle and find out what the common stumbling block was, and I have arrived at a shocking conclusion and a simple life hack that seems appallingly obvious to me – GET SOME PROPER SLEEP.

By sleeping properly I do no mean just crawling into bed whenever you feel like it and lying there like a sluggard until you can be bothered re-joining the world.

A proper sleep consists of six to nine hours of consecutive sleep in total darkness. If you get up for whatever reason, you might be thirsty or need to go to the toilet for example, have that glass of water or whatever and then GO STRAIGHT BACK TO BED.

DO NOT GO TO THE FRIDGE

DO NOT TURN ON YOUR GADGET AND WATCH SOME SHOWS

DO NOT PLAY WITH YOUR PHONE

Phones are such a ubiquitous menace these days that I now keep one charging at the office that I use for work, and the two that I used to play around with on the commute or while lying around on the couch are now sitting in a box in my shed with a skull and crossbones drawn on it.

Nothing is more detrimental to your health than the smart phone, which constantly screams for your attention, and delivers a stream of garbage information and viral marketing directly to your brain when you are meant to be processing your daily quota of useful information in your dreams while you sleep.

B-BUT MUH PHONE IS MY ALARM!

What are you, fucking retarded? Interrupting a 90-minute block of sleep is like turning your computer off while it is the middle of defragmenting itself. You brain is in the middle of sorting through your memories and trying to make you more intelligent by increasing its efficiency, Poindexter.

Not to mention that your body ought to be in a state of deep rest so that it can repair itself and be ready for the next day. So go to fucking sleep and let it do its damn job. You need it to carry out all those vital night-time chemical reactions to keep you in peak health.

If you want to be depressed and constantly ill, then the best way to go about it is to fuck with your sleep buddy.

B-BUT I’LL BE LATE FOR WORK WITH NO ALARM

Go to bed earlier, you dolt. Proper sleep is more enjoyable than any other activity. It will also increase your happiness throughout the next day. Try it and find out. You will be pleasantly surprised.

All screens go off when the sun goes down in my household, including the television and computer in my bedroom. If you are not sleeping properly then you are almost certainly staring at a television or computer screen, or one of those hand-held devils. This is a bad habit. Break it.

If you have something that you are running up against a deadline on and you have to work on it at home then early in the morning is the best time to get it done – after you are sharp and focused by that breakfast time cortisol hit.

I go to bed early with a book, and I don’t want to see any more blue light until I get up. In Winter that means you will often get up before the sun. A good time for exercise, if you manage your time well (or have no job to do that day).

A common complaint that I hear is that: “”””Yeah but I’m not tired when I go to bed””””. Well, that is because you are a lazy ass-hole. You either weren’t putting in a good effort at work, or you didn’t do enough exercise after work to compensate for the soft job (or the day off work) that was your day.

Sleeping during the night will give you the best possible start to the day, but if you keep sleeping after the sun wakes up, or take naps during the day like a lazy Mexican, then of course you won’t want to sleep at night, my fren.

Pre-school children need to take naps during the day because their bodies are developing at superhuman speed, and therefore young mothers and fathers will often end up sleep deprived. Good luck with that, you are doing God’s work.

It is important for the rest of us to develop a healthy Circadian rhythm. This means at night we are getting our right amount of melatonin delivered properly and during the day we are getting our right amount of cortisol delivered properly. If we stay constantly stimulated at night then we can quickly progress from being hype to frazzled to becoming one of the walking dead.

In terms of your diet anything you eat at night will throw your rhythm off. That first meal of the day is the signal to your body that it is time to get moving and to your mind that it is time to switch to GO mode. You want that first spike of cortisol to be delivered at the time that you get up – not in the middle of the night.

Or of course you are going to hit the wall WAYYY too early the next day.

Get all your eating done hours before you go to bed, so that everything is digested and ready for the body to use it. Otherwise it is highly likely to just end up as fat.

In short, if you are fat and seem to be able to nothing about it, or if you are just stressed out and depressed, then it is probably because your body and your mind are fucked up from a lack of proper sleep. If you engage in healthy activity during the day and sleep well at night then you are living as God intended for you to live, and your physical and mental well-being will both improve together.

And here for no particular reason is the OP for Happy Sugar Life, which along with Hanebado!, the Yamas, and Asobi A I’m still quite digging as seasonal trash. The illustrators of Chio at Diomedea need to chill the fuck out with the incessant pantsu shots though, before Japan loses another solid show to gratuitous pedoshit.

Full disclosure: [Go To Bread]’s IRL name is [COCKONAAA]. I’m an [Flip Flappers specialist] who’s keen on [Happy Sugar Life] and [Hanako].

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s