By Soccerball Chad
Wednesday the 20th of June 2018
Egypt OUT, Russia STRONK. Japan are going to win the World Cup, and Poland are SHIT. What else did we learn on Day Sex of the World Cup? Watch this thrilling video of the highlights OR STAY BORED, L-O-S-E-R-S.
The day began with the long anticipated World Cup final between Anime and Cocaine, and as expected Cocaine didn’t last long. Fiorentina may not want DM Moreno back from La Liga after he became the first player to get sent off this tournament, but his error soon got buried under a mountain of hilarious blunders by the Colombians, the Nips, the Poles and the Egyptians.
No mistakes by Japanese Power Ranger Shinji Kagawa though, the Borussia Dortmund Mid slotting the penalty as cooly fooly as you like. Then before the Half a plucky Colombian team had equalised with 10 Men. The free kick from River Plate midfielder Quintero went under the wall and rolled along the ground as if he was playing a game of lawn bowls.
Fooled by this complete rack of pace, Anime goalkeeper Eiji Kawashima leapt backwards comically into his net, and then pretended the ball never went in. DISHONOBRU.
This could have been the end, but cometh the hour, cometh THE MAN. And there is no man more honoured by Abe-sama and the Glorious Anime Empire of Imperial Nippon than the MC of this Season of World Cup Robot Soccer Wars – Yuya Osaka. Japan 2 – Colombia 1.
In the other and less important matches, Poland was SHIT. Their defence was SHIT. Their goalie was SHIT and confused. Where am I, what position am I playing? Why am I a midfielder now. Actually, the Polish defenders were quite good, they were just playing in the wrong positions – and in the case of Serie A defender Cionek the wrong team.
Lovely first touch by Senegalese striker Cionek to beat the Polish keeper there, lad. Oh he plays for Poland? BA HA HA HA HA.
After an abysmal first half, Senegal turned the screws on Poland on the hour, with a cheeky run by a much better Serie A player. M’Baye Niang went Kara Boga on the hapless Poles to make it two – nil. Paris Saint-Germain DM Krychowiak somewhat made amends by clawing a late goal back for Poland with a nice header from a free kick, but overall a night that he would rather forget.
Senegal now carry the hopes of Africa in this World Cup. A solid performance by them to clown the Poles 2 – 1. SASUGA, AFRICA.
What superlative best describes Russia? Is it Greatest? Are they the Bestest team? They are so far, after knocking out Egypt with stunning efficiency and a plethora of goals. Still no goals scored against them in open play either, or from set pieces.
Yeah, Premier League Golden Boot Mohamed Salah scored a consolation penalty, but those are freebies. Penalties decide matches, but they don’t really indicate quality, because at this level you are pretty much expected to put them away.
Egypt was solid in defence for the first half, but in the second half it all came unstuck rather spectacularly. First there was the deflection off the knee of the Egyptian captain that the rest of the defence and the goalkeeper just stood there and watched like idiots. Kek.
After that the Russians got their backs up, and Cheryshev and Dzyuba tore Egypt apart with smashing GOOOAAALLLS. It’s the third for Cheryshev and the second for Dzyuba for the tournament.
Russian Premier League striker Dzyuba was supposed to be carrying the hopes of the nation on his own, but so far his magnificence has been outshone by that of new Russian folk-hero Cheryshev, who leads the race for Golden Boot alongside Christiano Ronaldo as Russia race to 8 goals in 2 matches.
Villarreal can expect ridiculous offers to start rolling in for their midfield goal scoring machine, especially from patriotic Russian oligarchs who want to curry favour with the nation and its leader. Could Cheryshev be the man Chelsea need to finally replace Fat Frank Lampard? Sign him up, Roman. You heard it here first, lads.
Russia Stronk 3 – Egypt Going Home 1.
I was going to watch SmarkDown, but I need to go down to the Park and lose this Winter gut instead. I’ll leave you with this cooly fooly ED from Nisemonogatari. I left the mic work for Karen Bee III on the end, because Senjougahara is over as fuck.
Full disclosure: [Soccerball Chad]’s IRL name is [Arararagi-san]. I’m an [awful Football] who’s keen on [walks in the rain] and [if any of you fags leave the office early bring a soccer ball down, kent].