By Lord Harry Destroyer of Worlds
Tuesday the 19th of June 2018
Did you all watch the England match? It was terrible, but also magnificent. Arry Fakin Kane, lad. But first, the less interesting matches. Sweden beat Korea with a penalty 1 – 0, and Belgium were just way too good for Panama. Nothing worth watching until the second half of Belgium – Panama, when Napoli winger Mertens got things going with a beautiful volley into the Panama net. Then United striker Lukaku finally turned up. Belgium 3 – Panama Nil. And then finally came England and the Harry Kane show.
There are few teams in Soccerball that draw bigger DIMES than England. Whether you love them or hate them, England World Cup matches are HUGE. A lot of Australian households were up in the early hours of the morning yelling at their screens.
It was a scrappy performance by England, who got off to a great start when England Captain Sir Harold Kane poached a goal at close quarters after the Tunisian goalie failed to deal with a corner, stopping a header by Citeh defender Stones only to have Kane pounce on the ball.
After their goal England had a run of chances that they failed to convert. Raheem Sterling still doesn’t look comfortable in an England shirt, and a wasteful Jesse Lingard looked nervy. And then there was Kyle Walker.
Kyle runs like the Flash, and the amount of ground he can cover allows the English to play some great Football, but he has always been a Baka. I once watched Kyle Baka run in the wrong direction and kick a goal for United while he was still playing for Spurs.
The penalty Walker gave away was converted by Sassi, and after that the Tunisians turtled up for the rest of the match. But Harry Kane was a man who would not be denied his Football Coming Home, despite the Tunisians defenders giving him quite a bit of attention.
Just like the Argentina – Iceland match, this was a great match to watch, with a massive payoff for both the hardcore and casual England fan, when Arry Kane eventually found some space and turned a lovely header in deep in extra time. This time he made something out of a bonce ronce from the head of Maguire that was going out, masterfully smashing it with his noggin into the Tunisian net. LUVERLY.
So where do we stand with the last few matches of the first round of games about to be played? Only Russia and Belgium have shown the ability to unlock defences in open play while keeping a clean sheet, but neither has faced formidable opposition yet. Spain is attracting a lot of buzz, but their defence has already leaked three goals. Portugal is a one man team, but Christiano Ronaldo could well win this off his own boot. Croatia kept a clean sheet, and Modric looks deadly. Kane made England look far better than they were, and France got over but they didn’t look that great against Australia.
Brazil, Germany, and Argentina still have a chance to bounce back, and going into the second round of games it is hard to make a convincing case for any of the national sides. Apart from Russia and Belgium, they have all ranged from weak to mediocre, despite some stunning individual performances.
Also shit, Amazon Prime. Seriously, there are horrible subs and then there is fucking Amazon. Signed up and dropped the same day. None of the interesting titles like Girls Last Tour are even made available for Australian subscribers, but I would have stuck with them anyway if their subs weren’t so appalling.
Basically I subscribe Crunchy and AnimeLab to help the industry, but Netflix and Prime just like to ruin everything they touch. They transfer shitty Hollywood values East, completely fail to simulcast, and offer very little of worth.
At least Netflix doesn’t have these God awful ugly subtitles that are an affront to human decency. Prime only deserves to be torrented to death.
Full disclosure: [Lord Harry Destroyer of Worlds]’s IRL name is [Big DIMES MacTorrents]. I’m an [poorly subbed Amazon abomination] who’s keen on [Fate movies] and [the Iceland soccer team].