By John Miller
Monday the 29th of May 2018
Are you faggots DIMED up for Monday Night RAM? Well, I haven’t been for the last fifteen years, but I want to know what the fuck /asp/ is even talking about, so here I go. It’s Tuesday morning here, which means I ordinarily wouldn’t be drinking, but I’m not expecting the Rapture today so I’m having a can of Bundy. Sorry Jesus, need it to deal with all these Hunter clones, bro.
When HHH took over all those years ago like some Hapsburg prince marrying his way to glory, he quite demonstrably wanted to remake the WWE Universe in his image.
The first match I saw on my return was Vanilla Midget Hunter versus Turban Hunter, with Honky Tonk Hunter lurking ominously in the background. I liked almost everything about my fourteen minute plus commercials reintroduction to the WWE, except for the fact that everyone looked like they were paying a facial homage to Paul.
BASED Sunil Singh, the only person in the ring who doesn’t use a women’s hairdresser.
The match itself was meant to pump the Universe up for a Money in the Bank clash between Turban Hunter and Pacific Island Hunter, but Vanilla Midget Hunter is way more Over than both of them combined.
Seff put in da work and sold his bumps, so it’s easy to see why he is the face of RAM right now. His work-rate reminds me a little of the gold standard of VMs, Chris Benoit. Stay safe, bro.
It was funny to hear the announce table call Turban Hunter one of the hardest workers in the WWE while he had Seff in one of several rest holds, and his clothesline was so high that Vanilla Midget Hunter didn’t even need to duck, but I guess when you’re a Big Guy (for Seff) it’s all about selling the Aggression, and Jinder looked the part.
Here’s your Minute of Kino from Raw 1844, wrestling fans.
What the hell happened after that though? Clearly it was Stephanie McMahon’s turn to try and wreck the Wrestling. A fat woman started beating up a little girl, or something, and the only thing more silent than the crowd was Ronda Rousey, who apparently is incapable of speech or human emotions.
Even worse, Steph has given Ronda the Rowdy Roddy Piper gimmick.
OH NO NO NO NO, this is too fucking hilarious. Here is Robot Ronda Rousey finally learning to emote, with some classic Piper tacked on the end.
Some other stuff happened, but the best of it was a cameo by Bobbo, who crushed some punk’s hand, and the B-Team acting more retarded than Kurt Angle is enjoyable on so many levels. They’re ready Vince, give them the straps BROTHA.
I give this episode of Raw my best possible E-drone rating: Five Burgers.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie who’s keen on Conservative politics, Trump, and the Anime Right. Give me all the straps Vince, I’m ready brother.