DI4 Merula: Shitty Muggles turn crap mobile game into waifu stalking app

By John Miller

Tuesday the 15th of May 2018

 

Hey kid, think you’re too smart to ever hand those shekels over to JK Rowling like your mom’s husband does? Not quite sure who Harry Potter is, or why you should care? Think you’re somehow better than the sweaty guy sitting next to you on the train playing a wizard school simulator before he does his eight hours of spirit crushing obeisance to his corporate overlords?

Well clearly you’ve never even heard of Merula, and that is why your life is shit. Hey, don’t feel too bad, I only learned about her today too.

Jam City not only apparently gave the Harryverse a Best Girl and platformed her to radiate FIRE, but has proved it was possible to make this dullest of shit franchise universes interesting with a mobile game that by all accounts can only be improved by making it an outright Merula dating sim.

How soon until Merula steals your heart? Eh, I dunno because I fugged around so much installing BlueStacks and making a Google Account to witness Merula on the Big Screen that so far I only did Chapter One, in which you have a based conversation with a typical looking Englishman, and get to name your character.

Apparently Stacey Yurifag and Stacey Hetfag were too BASED for Jam City.

Stacey Robot

This game is so shit that it’s excellent. Do it for Merula, Merulabros.

Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie who’s keen on Conservative politics, Trump, and the Anime Right. Sometimes mods are gods.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s