By John Miller
Tuesday the 15th of May 2018
Hey kid, think you’re too smart to ever hand those shekels over to JK Rowling like your mom’s husband does? Not quite sure who Harry Potter is, or why you should care? Think you’re somehow better than the sweaty guy sitting next to you on the train playing a wizard school simulator before he does his eight hours of spirit crushing obeisance to his corporate overlords?
Well clearly you’ve never even heard of Merula, and that is why your life is shit. Hey, don’t feel too bad, I only learned about her today too.
Jam City not only apparently gave the Harryverse a Best Girl and platformed her to radiate FIRE, but has proved it was possible to make this dullest of shit franchise universes interesting with a mobile game that by all accounts can only be improved by making it an outright Merula dating sim.
How soon until Merula steals your heart? Eh, I dunno because I fugged around so much installing BlueStacks and making a Google Account to witness Merula on the Big Screen that so far I only did Chapter One, in which you have a based conversation with a typical looking Englishman, and get to name your character.
Apparently Stacey Yurifag and Stacey Hetfag were too BASED for Jam City.
This game is so shit that it’s excellent. Do it for Merula, Merulabros.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie who’s keen on Conservative politics, Trump, and the Anime Right. Sometimes mods are gods.