How do we fix Wrestling?

By John Miller

Monday the 30th of April 2018

 

I came to anime late in life. After crossing the Rubicon and going to war publicly for Trumpu I no longer cared what miserable rubes, ordinary girls who can’t into Cosplay and chill, and boring society in general thought about my opinions or the way I used my leisure time. Best decision ever.

Wrestling was something that I had known since forever but I dropped somewhere along the way. It didn’t even occur to me that I might still enjoy it, until I began lurking /asp/ recently. Holy smarks and dimes, what a gem of a board.

Before I knew it I was checking out the WWE roster, and catching myself up on what had been going on for the last decade with the wrestling. This made me kind of sad, once it became apparent that the WWE was still making the same mistakes that had made me and most of its former fan-base abandon it.

The big names right now are sort-of Household names, ex- UFC stars Brock Lesnar and Rhonda Rousey. The rest of the roster is one John Doe after another. I was looking everywhere for John Cena, but I couldn’t see him. There were wayyyyyyyyy too many chicks. None of this will win me back.

Wrestling went completely off the rails when it capitulated to Big Dick Dana White and Reality TV.

I’m not saying that I didn’t love some of the Hardcore stuff, but Wrestling needs to stop standing in the shadow of UFC and fully own the fact that it’s SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT.

I loved Stone Cold Steve Austin, but just ordinary Steve Austin leaves me cold. I want to see an ageless Hulk Hogan powering up while the heel pummels him with ineffectual blows, not hear about the woes of Terry.

Would it fucking kill you to give one of the black guys a parrot, or throw a python in the ring?

During the Attitude Era we had the Rock, but if he was wrestling today he would be just Dwayne Johnson and nobody would care. I remember when they brought a coked up Ultimate Warrior back and made him run around the ring dressed like an Indian. That shit was kino.

Sting rappelling down from the ceiling in full makeup and a trench-coat and ruling WCW with his baseball bat. Smelling what the Rock was cooking, and then watching him jump over the bad guy five times before delivering the People’s elbow. These are memories that will not fade.

For the longest time I thought that I dropped Wrestling because I grew up, but recently I have come to realise that I may have dropped it because it began to take itself too seriously.

And why should it have an inferiority complex to the UFC? All of the greatest fighters know they have a very short window before they get overpowered by somebody younger and hungrier.

Blood sports is its own thing, but this is not exclusively what the public wants.

They want Heroes that never fade. One after another all the fighting greats make their way to the WWE to pay homage and receive another round of adulation. From Iron Mike to Current Year MMA man, they all know the value of Sports Entertainment.

After Hell in a Cell all the wrestlers wanted to be hardcore and real like Mick Foley, but the relentless Indyshitting soon got stale. The drive to make everybody relatable ended up making the entire roster just kind of boring and sad.

John Cena sort of kept the franchise alive while I was gone. Kids still needed heroes, but this was the era of WWE cucking itself out and looking all ashamed about not being the UFC. Smarks gonna smark. Why all the pandering WWE?

Cena was huge, he still is. But he could have been fucking enormous if the WWE gave him some sort of classic WWF persona.

Macho Man Randy Savage. The Undertaker. Works that the Marks will bring their Dimes for until the end of time. It doesn’t matter what the Smarks think. They aren’t going anywhere. Protip: they secretly love it when you enrage them.

I don’t know who Roman Reigns is and I don’t want to know. If you’re going to have some kind of ordinary name, it needs to be something like Ric Flair, and that guy better have some WOOOOOOO tier mike skills.

Names are always better with an adjective though.

Even if you never saw one of his fights you knew who Rowdy Roddy Piper was. Rowdy Roman Reigns? Imagine the ASSHURT. Ultimate heel, just like that.

I’m not saying Roman has no talent, I’m just saying that the WWE forgot how to do Creative properly. Make this guy a Mister Wonderful or a Ravishing Roman Rude or a Roman “the Body” Reigns, if it’s too soon to work the Piper legacy.

Hell, give him a briefcase full of money to throw at us plebs.

Or cosplay him as some sort of cape-shit hero. Whatever. Go back to the Mean Gene Okerlund era and dig up a trope, any trope.

Wrestling is something you are meant to watch with your dad, and then with your friends, and later keep watching with your housemates, and then eventually with your son, precisely because it isn’t real.

Reality fucking sucks. Entertain me.

Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie who’s keen on Conservative politics, Trump, and the Anime Right. OOOOH YEAH.

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