Styxhexenhammer666 for Governor of Vermont, because drugs and guns

By John Miller

Saturday the 14th of April 2018


Once upon a time 4chan was a perfectly happy little insulated community, where on one board Anonymoose would brag about all the shit it just did to end Wall Street forever, and on another the Nazis and Ron Paul Libertarians might argue about whatever contrarian bullshit was on their mind that particular week.

As time went by more and more contrarians joined the lively containment board. People who loved Syrian dictators. People who hated blacks. People who hated Wh*tes. And then there were the people who liked to photoshop MAGA hats onto lolis. Lots and lots of them.

By the time the 2016 election came and went /pol/ had become Trump central. While still containing a considerable amount of well measured contrarian Trump hatred. He was a Jew. He didn’t hate blacks enough. Anime wasn’t real yet. All valid points in the alternate universe of /pol/.

And then came the full-scale Norman invasion, when post-Trump it become common knowledge that this humble enclave of unwashed and unheralded contrarians had somehow morphed into the most feared and deadliest collection of right-wing social media opinion leaders to have ever subverted the Internets.

There was a tilting of the scales hard in the direction of Christfaggotry and unironic America Fuck Yeahism. The Ron Paul guys just sort of vanished.

The board continues to be massively shilled from all kinds of weird places that think it wields some kind of spooky influence over things such as whether or not and for how long a certain country is going to be bombarded with missiles. The fucking lulz.

Whether they intended to or nor, the 4chan Trump guys have altered reality, and making reality notice the board has changed it. I am not saying this is a bad thing, especially when it is killing off a thread on why I should convert to Islam, or why as a Wh*te boi I cannot compete. I’m just saying that it is definitely a thing.

We tend to forget that our snekposter oldfags were once Ron Paul Republicans. They don’t really have a leader any more. Ron just kind of tapered off into nothingness somehow, even though he’s still doing and saying pretty much the same shit that he was when he was wildly popular on 4chan.

The /sandnog general/fags still have their Bashar (the Lion, kek). Stormfaggots will have Hitler forever (sigh). And /ptg/fags of course have Trump desu.

But who do you have if you are a right-wing literal faggot who loves drugs and guns but hates taxation and wearing clothes? There are a surprising number of such guys who post on 4chan.

Well congratulations you Libertarian RWDSfags, you may have finally gotten a new Ron Paul. He’s a young(ish) e-celeb from Texas who currently resides in Vermont, and he doesn’t want to be the next governor of the state that gave us Bernie Sanders.

In the sense that he really would like to, but he’s not prepared to hire an election lawyer or go on the ballot. Or do any campaigning.

The good folks of Vermont must somehow be tricked into voting for him as a write-in. But what would possibly make the people in Vermont do that. How do we get Styx elected against his will and by people who have mostly never heard of him?

> we

This is of course the crux of the matter. Not whether it is possible, but whether “””we””” want to make it happen.

There is very little consensus across the board where this is taking shape about anything, but somehow coalitions of similarly devious minds just somehow gel together if and when they feel like it, and before long there are epic threads which turn into something “””viral””” which can infect the meat space world.

Does Styx have what it takes to make it? I say probably yes.

Although I am not an e-celeb lover in the slightest, and only go on YouTube to listen to classical music or steal audio so that I can mash it up with video of anime for my own amusement, I did take the time to watch my first Styxhexenhammer666 YouTube video today.

This well-spoken shirtless hippy looking guy has potential for lulz. Here’s why.

  1. He’s already dropped out of the race.

First he was in, with a bunch of Styxfags making threads on his behalf. Now just days later he has already quit, apparently because he gets all his money from Patreon donors, and they could be Russians. I feel like Russians are the least scary of my many enemies. After the Turks shot down one of their planes and all they did was make a sad face I realised that they are pretty shit these days.

The news that Styx may be a Russian agent and that he is a big quitter has made me want to boost his write-in campaign and make him become the next Governor of Vermont. Putin deserves Vermont. I want to photoshop shirtless Styx and shirtless Putin riding on bears together, and liberating Constantinople.

  1. Governor Styx will give you back that gun that Governor Scott took from your cold dead hands.

What the fuck Vermont.

The trade-off was supposed to be that Vermont could do all the other fruity progressive shit it wanted, but they left your guns alone. The state where the ex-hippie ex-mayor of Burlington became Congressman Bernie Sanders because the Republican he was running against changed his mind on assault weapons is not a place to fuck with 2A.

Vermont is in play again. I don’t need to see any polls, because I know Vermont guys love their guns.

They voted for that faggot Sanders and now they’ll vote for a guy called Styxhexenhammer666 if it means their Second Amendment rights will be protected. Probably.

  1. Governor Styx will veto every tax he can. Really.

Because taxation is theft. Why do you think the Republican party puts up with all the other crazy thought bubbles that Ron Paul floats? Protip: it’s not because freedom.

Styx doesn’t care if your favourite government program gets cut either, or if your government agency isn’t paid. Because taxation is theft man. Right on.

  1. Governor Styx will decriminalise all drugs. Really. Not really.

He really wants to. He almost certainly won’t get the most votes though. Probably.

Styx running to the right of a Republican governor on guns and taxes usually wouldn’t do any damage at all to the R’s, because God fearing Americans don’t vote for guys who thinks their kid should be able to buy heroin from the corner store. With gun grabber Scott on the ballot though, who knows.

Styx running to the left of the most progressive Left in America on the one issue that their most passionate supporters are most passionate about – stuffing their bodies full of mind bending drugs – this has enormous potential to wedge the Democrats and their base apart.

As long as your average Lefty is free to be as gay or as much of a whore as they like, they mostly only care about getting high. Governor Styx will get them as high as a kite. In the context of fucking with Bernie Sanders this November alone a Styx run would be completely worth it.

White-anting the youth support of the leading Democratic candidate for 2020 with the drugs thing could be amusing. On the other hand, I just found out that Vermont has a HUGE problem with degenerate drug use, and now I feel bad.

  1. The Lulz.

You know you want to do it, anon. So why not spread the word?

Vermont makes it easy to vote, so anybody registering to vote in Vermont for the first time just needs to go online and show a bank statement or utility bill and then they get sent an absentee ballot and they’re done. Groovy.

Can Styx flip Burlington? How wed are these college kids to Socialism, really?

Don’t you want to find out how much of the Bernie vote in Vermont is just millennial faggots who pretend to care because dude weed? It is time to set the bar higher for their ongoing support.

Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie who’s keen on Conservative politics, Trump, and the Anime Right. Vermont looks comfy AF.

If I ever visit my old college bros who still live in New England somewhere I will definitely go there and shoot a deer in the face with an Assault Rifle and then barbeque it.  

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s