How to anime like a Patrician this Spring

By John Miller

Wednesday the 11th of April 2018

 

Yes, it’s Autumn where I am, but we Nihon now. So let’s praise all of the quality new anime that has come out this week to mark the new season of Japanese cartoons. This won’t take long.

Senpai tier Patrician: Crossing Time ep. 1

Episode one of Crossing Time was the first time I have ever not wanted my three minutes back after watching a short anime. Ai-senpai and Tomo-chan deserved an extra twenty minutes at least. This short anime was very nearly the best pilot episode of the season, considering the limitations of the format.

 

It seems kind of moe on the surface, but manages to build an interesting story arc that draws you in and takes less time to do it than it takes for your butler to boil you an egg. Good stuff.

 

Highest quality comfy tier Patrician: Hinamatsuri ep. 1

Do you enjoy smiling? Would you like to stay comfy now that there are no more Shiny Days? Well why not comfort in style. Hinamatsuri is well written, well executed, and putting aside the physics of her prison-cocoon-thingy, it is nicely drawn.

 

Kawaii deadpan killing machine Hina transforms Nitta from generic Yakuza tough guy into somebody who wants to protect her smile. There was no other regular length pilot show this week that ticked every box like this one. Most importantly, this was fun to watch. Talented characterisation, highest quality.

 

Darling tier Patrician: Darling in the Franxx Spring Reboot (ep. 13)

Sorry Franxxtards, up until now your kiddy robot porn has been utter plebian tier. I’ve been keeping abreast of developments though, and not just so I can bully Ichigofags, or laugh derisively at all of the cuckoldry that was on display. I wanted to see the one Patrician character in the show kill everybody. Just admit it, you want her to be Lucy too.

 

Zero Two will never be as good as best girl Lucy, but Oni Loli will single-handedly save the franchise. I’m guessing that the writers re-watched Elfen Lied. Who cares. I fucking loved it so much that I mashed up the song from the end of the show with Oni Loli footage, and fixed the ending. You’re welcome, faggots.

 

What the fuck tier: Caligula

This is everything that you would expect from an anime based on a Japanese Playstation game. The optics are patrician, and the writing is shit. It is bad enough that you can pretend you are enjoying it ironically. Just like the Resident Evil movies. The images are from the game. I think.

 

I couldn’t be bothered to screengrab any images. I made you a clip though. In this clip the incredibly fucking gay looking man that symbolises peak marketing potential to closeted homosexual Japanese gamers says some words.

 

Dances with bears tier: Golden Kamuy

This should have been a good show. I made popcorn. I’m going to be watching again next week. That ugly baby and the woman who he has to save her eyesight so she can see her child. The Bear. My fucking sides.

 

AOTS? Maybe if that annoying fucking loli shuts up for more than a minute and the studio hires somebody who can draw animals. Immortal whatsisname in the Sino-Japanese War would be a great show. It didn’t have to be this way.

 

Let me help you out tier: WIXOSS

I also watched GGO and Kakuriyo. And Comic Girls. Don’t judge me. I kind of enjoyed Kakuriyo, which has a cool retro 80s cartoon vibe to it. GGO is what it is.

 

I liked Lostorage Incited WIXOSS way more than I was expecting. It probably didn’t need to go for twenty minutes though, so I re-edited it. You guys are trying to sell trading cards for Tamara Tomy right? Call me.

 

Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie who’s keen on Conservative politics, Trump, and the Anime Right. I’ve been watching Japanese cartoons for two years now. 3D women are important though guys. And don’t forget to shower FFS.

 

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