By John Miller
Sunday the 7th of January 2017
In October 1582 when Pope Gregory changed the calendar, his stroke of ingenuity was met with an enthusiastic response by the Catholic kings of France, Poland (also Grand Duke of Lithuania), Hapsburg Spain (also Portugal by personal Union), and the Italian princes.
Little did Gregory care that by 2018 we would be celebrating Christ’s birthday 13 days early, by dint of both original and creeping differences between the old Julian calendar and his novel invention.
None of this would have mattered to us in the Anglosphere if the Gregorian calendar wasn’t so gosh darned good at measuring the Solar year that George the Second eventually adopted it, of course. But I get ahead of myself.
Papism was not vert much in vogue in ye Olde England during the 1580’s, which was still the peak Elizabethan era. The Spanish Armada did make one attempt to impose the Gregorian calendar on England by force of arms in 1588, but they were Draked in the channel.
No, not that faggot rapper who cries all the time. Drake used to be a real man’s name. Well, Francis was, and his surname was Drake. Circumnavigated the world, wooed the Queen, and smashed the Spanish after a game of lawn bowls one time. Look him up.
This serious Draking of the Spaniards occurred five years after the Holy Roman Empire adopted the Gregorian calendar. Back in the day the HRE was a Catholic Empire, but with more than a few rebellious Protestant princes in it, so the Emperor was wary of stirring up trouble for himself, and took an extra year to get with Pope Gregory’s programme.
The Holy Roman Emperor at the time, Rudolf II, was at the same time King of the Germans, King of Bohemia, and King of Hungary and Croatia. If the Protestants were considered quarrelsome, then so were the Hungarians and Croats, and these were lands which the Hapsburgs had not held for more than two generations. Rudolf trod carefully, and only enacted the calendar in 1587, so as not to give the Hungarian lords any pretext for rebellion.
Prussia adopted the Gregorian calendar in 1610. By this time there was still only a 10-day difference between the old calendar and the new, which was exactly the same as in 1582. For during the initial switch from Julian to Gregorian calendar in 1582 there had been 10 days simply wiped away.
Confused? Lol brainlet. The whole point of the Gregorian calendar was to sync the December 25th of 1582 with the December 25th of 0 AD, when Christ the LORD was born.
So rather than celebrate Christmas on Jan 4th in 1583 like an Orthodox or a Protestant, Saint Gregory used his mathematical genius to figure out when December 25th was really going to fall in 1582.
Prussia in 1610 was ruled by a Hohenzollern duke, and was only a mere Duchy. Duke Albert swore fealty to a Catholic king, Sigismund II Augustus of Poland (also Grand Duke of Lithuania). Albert and his subjects were Lutherans though.
The Gregorian calendar was adopted by the last important Protestant holdout – the British Empire – in 1752. By this time Prussia was a proper Protestant nation, with a Calvinist king, Frederick the Great, and was considered one of the Great powers of Europe. The Poles were in dire straits though, reduced to a Russian protectorate, and with both Frederick and the Hapsburgs of Austria-Hungary looking covetously upon their lands.
Of those three great powers encircling the hapless Poles, only Orthodox Russia continued to celebrate Christmas by the old Julian calendar. Catholic Austria-Hungary was a continuation of the Holy Roman Empire, of sorts.
The adoption of the Gregorian calendar by the Anglosphere (and by the Celtosphere that we took everywhere with us) came under King George II of Great Britain and Ireland, who was also Elector of Hanover. His Prime Minister at the time was Henry Pelham, a Whig.
All the colonies followed suit in this innovation, which no doubt enraged many a Puritan. There was no United States of America at the time. The 13th colony, Georgia, had only been established in 1732 by the King’s privy council, and was named for George II who founded it.
Canada was at the time called Prince Rupert’s Land, and was named after Prince Rupert of the Rhine, a homosexual cavalier who burned Liverpool during the English Civil War, and who pranced around England with a magical dog and monkey getting beaten by the Roundheads – and this explains why Canadians are such rampant lovers of homosexuality even down to the modern era.
Prince Rupert’s Land was a commercial monopoly granted to the Hudson Bay Company, and the defining moment for the Canadian Anglosphere was 1713, when the Canadian Francosphere was royally screwed by the Treaty of Utrecht, which handed exclusive rights to Hudson Bay over to the British monopoly of the Hudson Bay Company.
In 1752, by right royal decree, all Canadians – sorry all Prince Rupertlanders celebrated Christmas on the same day for the first time. Providing they heard about what King George had decreed, and weren’t agin it.
To add to the confusion, there was now an 11-day gap between the two calendars.
I think perhaps this meddling with Christmas Day must have annoyed the American Puritan no small amount, and probably caused them to hate the crown, and thereby eventually caused the Revolutionary War against George III.
The honourary Aryans of Samurai Japan adopted the Gregorian calendar under Emperor Meiji in 1872, and would have lost twelve days, except they never followed the Julian calendar in the first place. Christianity arrived in feudal Japan along with Kentucky Fried Chicken, and the Japanese to this day celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour by eating fried chicken and ignoring the Jesuits.
During and after the First World War a wide variety of new nations were thrown up onto the map, and they all kept following the Gregorian calendar, which has been the sole calendar of both Catholics and Protestants since 1752, and of Atheist shitbag Communists since the Bolshevik revolution of 1918.
The Russians, while continuing on with the Gregorian calendar since Glasnost and Perestroika, meanwhile have held onto their Orthodox and Russian traditions, and therefore celebrate Christmas today.
Merry Christmas to you, Ivan.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities