Intel chips built to be hacked for last 10 years, patch to slow Intel rigs by 30%

By John Miller

Thursday the 4th of January 2017


Linux and Windows are right now scrambling to patch an in-built security flaw that exists on every Intel processor sold in the last ten years, all of which were shipped with a design fault that nerds are calling Kernel memory leaking – and once their Operating Systems are updated Intel customers will be hit with a performance loss in the neighbourhood of 30%.

Needless to say, Intel virgins are livid.


Not quite so livid – me, because I’m part of the chad AMD master race.

Hey, I like Israel, but I don’t want strange Israelis strolling into my kernel’s memory space and looking at my hidden user processes, passwords, login keys, and files cached from disk – as I am led to believe at least a few persons ITK and loosely affiliated with Intel have probably been doing for the last ten years or so.

The CEO of Intel at least had certainly found out by last November.

Yeah but it was all probably just an ordinary human error that allowed normal user programs such as database applications and even JavaScript in web browsers FFS to discern the contents of protected kernel memory on any Intel device – hey wait, my lappy has an Intel – YOU BASTARDS!


Got an Xbox or a PS4 – eeeww Xbox – don’t worry lad, you’re part of the AMD master race. Kek, imagine the REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEing if the consolefags had just lost 30% performance because Intel wanted to spy on them.

In short, this a scandal of massive proportions, and I would like to be included in the lawsuit. God only knows who has been reading the contents of the kernel’s memory on my Lappy for the last few months. And now that it is widely known that I have an Intel laptop, the Russians can just get all my secrets if I run the wrong piece of JavaScript in a browser.

I may never trust a web browser or a cloud server again, after having my sensitive kernel-protected data sniffed like that.

The author would like to point out that he was just throwing words around that he read in tech articles, and he has no idea whether they make sense in the context that he has used them.

Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.

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