By John Miller
Thursday the 21st of December, 2017
It’s that time of year in Straya when we get smug about how much better our local beaches are than anywhere else in the world, and apparently we’ve started ranking them now in a national pissing contest. This year our dead-eyed FM Julie ‘wishes-Hillary-won’ Bishop will announce the winners of Best 101 Australian Beaches at Cotts, the beach where a shark once refused to eat a lawyer out of professional courtesy.
You think I’m kidding, don’t you? I’m not Fake News pal, look it up.
So anyway news of the winners has already leaked, and as expected Western Australia takes out most of the top places, because you can pretty much go anywhere up or down the coast and find a great beach without too much of a drive.
Queensland also did well, which will come as a bit of shock to anybody who ever attempted to go for a swim there and got laughed at by the locals when he discovered nothing but mangrove swamps and brown sand full of chiggers.
The white beach sand is Surfers is an illusion, and they haul it in on dump trucks.
The north coast of NSW is alright, but over-hyped, and beaches of Sydney and Melbourne are over-crowded, over-rated, and brimming with fags and other perverts.
Queensland does have some rippers though, but these are rare gems, and not a never-ending stretch of pristine beach that covers almost the entire Best Coast over here in the glorious West.
For the most part if you want a good beach in Queensland, go up to FNQ, and then hop on a boat or a plane.
The official winner of Best Beach 2018 is Fitzroy Island in FNQ, which is surprisingly affordable. As of right now, you get 7 nights on Fitzroy for $1000, but that’s just the headline price for a twin share, so be prepared for the bait-and-switch. This includes the flight to and from Cairns, which is also a great base to check out the FNQ rainforest from, but don’t expect to get any swimming in at Cairns unless your motel/hotel has a pool. When I was last in Cairns it had great mud flats though, jej.
The best Aussie beach that isn’t on an island available only to tourists or yachties goes to West Australia – naturally.
Horrocks Beach is our best Australian mainland beach, according to Julie Bishop. It’s also where my Grandad used to go in his caravan every year. And it’s just one of dozens (hundreds?) of little coastal towns with ripper beaches, so if you don’t like your fellow beach-goers it doesn’t have to ruin your holiday.
Horrocks is particularly nice though because the local reef keeps out sharks – as far as I’m aware, but you probably want to get the locals to confirm that – and is also swarming with Crays. These may be known to my foreign readers as Rock Lobsters.
The locals were allegedly very friendly back in the day when my Grandad used to go there, but I’m not sure how they might feel about a surge of foreigners and hipster faggots, particularly if they decide to zerg rush the reef without any regard for catch/cray size n sheeit and pick it clean of crays.
In any case, there are plenty of other good beaches up and down the coast from Horrocks. Ningaloo Reef has plenty of good places for snorkelling and swimming, there are le dolphins for faggots who want a mystical experience, and tons of good places to fish on the Coral Coast.
The large country town of Gero is well worth stopping in to get some supplies at and have a BBQ with friends or family, but if you’re just a tourist and you don’t want to watch abos in their native environment – drinking in the park – then just keep on going to Kalbarri.
Kalbarri is top fkn notch, and well-prepared for tourist insurgencies.
For the man who loves roads trips, or the fancy dan who goes everywhere by plane, Broome is our Carins equivalent, only instead of just being a gateway to better tourist experiences, Broome has beaches that are pretty good if you like camels, and it’s family friendly.
Much better are the FNWA islands desu senpai, but the island resorts are mostly over-run with miners tho, so pricey.
Also I’m not sure if they too famalam friendly, because miners are usually either single or go wedding ring off and drink like mad, and are often followed everywhere by le Azn prostitutes topkek.
I recommend either take a yacht up there, or drive up from Perth with your dinghy and go island hopping. Make sure you got a 4WD, your gidgie, and a shovel. Also beware that we have crocs and feral razorbacks – so bring a gun and blast them like a White Man.
In conclusion, Surfers was probably a great place to go back when u were a schoolie if you couldn’t make it to Margs, & the rest of Queensland is OK to stop overnight in a country town at and have a few drinks in the local pub, but their beaches are mostly shit, and WA will always have the best beaches in the wurld, kent.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.