By John Miller
Sunday the 17th of December, 2017
I would never give up alcohol completely, but you Millennial fags might, or those Gen Z pricks with their kick scooters and baseball hats. These brats love every sort of dope – so it’s hard to see the generations that vape not getting into Synthetic Alcohol, which according to some scientist who is looking for funding right now is on the cusp of replacing traditional booze.
Heh, good luck taking on Big Alcohol, kid. And the real Mafia behind Big Alcohol, your friendly local National Government.
As any country boy who ever ran a still can tell you – and what kind of homo can’t make his own – you can create a Kang-sized flagon of alcohol for about ninety-nine cents, providing you’ve already got your metal and a fire. The other Twenty Nine dollars that you pay your local bottle-shop is mainly alcohol taxes plus marketing costs.
Everybody else on the alcohol distribution chain gets to make a dollar, but the alcohol companies and distributors won’t go broke any time soon, or will they?
Maybe they will, if one wacky inventor of the future has his way. Enter David Nutt, inventor of Alcosynth.
Will David Nutt and the producers synthetic alcohol even have to pay the alcohol tax? If not, then fifty cent drinks for Happy Hour may well be back on the menu.
But here I am assuming that Alcosynth will be as cheap to make as Hard Liquor, and really I have no idea what is in it – because the guy who made it hasn’t told anyone, and you can’t buy it yet.
Right now all we are being told is we will soon be drinking without hangovers – the future is here. Almost.
Well, that’s not really a problem for me anyway these days – because I don’t drink like a degenerate. I guess for the fags that need fifteen drinks to up their game at the club, and fifteen after to keep them flying it might still be a thing though.
And Alcosynth is supposed to not be bad for your health. Remember a couple of years back when everybody told us we’d be going to Oxygen bars every weekend? For real, what happened to that? But I digress.
Vaping did become a thing, and synthetic alcohol highs probably will too. I wouldn’t put it past our degenerate youth to become addicted to Fake Alcohol.
But has the fledgling industry already made its first mistake, branding its product as Alcosynth? What the heck kinda name is that?
Synth sounds way better. It sounds dangerous, it’s easy to remember, and it makes people feel like they’re the drinking the future, while at the same time being evocative of several Scifi movies and novels. Also Synthwave is so hot right now.
But will the alcohol-like effects of Alcosynth catch on, and is it even worth going on a bender if you don’t get that next-day nausea?
I mean nobody wants some next level hangover shit – but maybe if you never got that blazing headache you might never have finished undergoing that rite of passage that saw you shift it back a gear and really start to live.
Will the synth fiend of the future be like the dope fiend of today – eternally chasing that “consequence free” high – xer life stuck in an eternal rut, as xhey slowly waste away in their safe spaces on the margins of society?
British neuroscientist David Nutt, who invented alcosynth, said he developed it with the intention to save lives. Then again, he also used to be a Downing Street adviser, until he said alcohol was worse than heroin. He’s really pushing this alcosynth barrow hard, and yes he stands to gain from it – but does he have some kind of salient point to make?
“Alcohol kills 4 million each year. I want to stop the carnage!” declares Nutt.
Most of that was impaired judgement, and if alcosynth doesn’t do that, then it’s not likely to ever challenge the supremacy of alcohol, which society only tolerates because it is the beginning of so many How I met your Mother stories.
It is also the start of the tale of How I hit a Tree while Driving, how I got into a Row with a Wanker, and How I Texted my Ex. Can we Synth our way out of these calamities?
Will it get us high, but still leave us with some semblance of our wits? Is it basically amphetamines?
The way that alcosynth is metabolized by the body could help people avoid some of the harmful, and potentially deadly, effects on the liver and heart normally associated with alcohol consumption, Nutt says. Uh huh, uh huh. Proofs? How? What the hell is this shit he wants me to put in my body?
Nutt has offered little detail about what alcosynth actually is, how it works or how it might help people avoid the harmful effects of alcohol. But so far he has created quite a bit of buzz. Yeah, maybe Marketing really is best left to scientists, jej.
Nutt claims to currently have 90 compounds of alcosynth in the works, with two being “””rigorously tested””” for widespread use.
Alcosynth is allegedly 100 times safer than alcohol. Wew lad.
One reason is that a drinker will consume much less alcosynth than alcohol: only milligrams of alcosynth versus a few grams of alcohol per beverage. Well that just sounds like stupid kents are going to start overdosing on it.
Have you ever seen a uni student mix a drink, m9? It goes from measuring out capfuls to chugging from the bottle faster than you can say I-dare-you-to-skoll-that-whole-bottle-fgt.
There is no doubt that we’ll see it come to market anyway – because it’s CALORIE FREE.
Das rite, binge drinking fatty, now you can add the legal high of alcosynth to your gut busting quest to be beach-worthy.
All those things are well and good, but here’s the real kicker. You’ll be able to take an antidote to sober up. So you’ll be right to go out Alcosynthing with the lads – and then instantly sober up for the drive home and laugh at all the fags who get caught by the booze bus. THE FUTURE IS HERE – SIGN ME UP.
Nutt claims that it’s unclear whether someone could overdose or become dependent on alcosynth. Let me clear this up for him. There are going to be Alcosynthaholics in the future, and some kid will probably OD in it in the first week that they start selling it from bottle shops – which of course will lead to a ban somewhere, and that mob will then have to buy it from shady people.
Alcosynth disciples will be like pot disciples though, spreading the new drug from party to party, remarking on its benefits. For instance, when alcosynth is broken down in the body, the breakdown does not produce acetaldehyde, unlike alcohol.
If acetaldehyde accumulates in the body faster than the liver can process it, tissue damage results. Nobody really cared, until now. We were going to keep drinking, but now we can get drunk without the carnage to our liver, Big Alcohol may well find itself facing some dicey questions from the health authorities and the consuming public.
Heavy drinkers are the ones most in need of alcosynth, because this acetaldehyde accumulation also leads to cirrhosis of the liver. Of course, they could just stop drinking. But most of them probably want to die because their lives are garbage.
Will alcosynth become the drug of choice for the party animal who is dead inside and trying to drink themselves into a grave because their nihilism and hedonism is running wild?
Almost certainly, probably. We’re yet to see any independent clinical trials. And the Trad Alcohol industry won’t be going anywhere until everyone who grew up on it is dead and buried.
Apart from cirrhosis of the liver, which causes half of those who get it to die within five years, most alcos will eventually have a heart attack, from the tissue damage caused by the build-up the same pesky acetaldehyde.
Another big potential market for alcosynth: Asians.
Just admit it, you faggots talk a good game, and some of you can even hang with the best, but you always suffer for it more. The reason: Science. Asians usually lack the gene that God gave me so I can break down acetaldehyde like a champ. Ha, fags.
For your average Anglo-Celtic or Wog Aussie though, we can just chug some water so we don’t dehydrate, and then we sleep like a babby and have practically no hangover at all. If anything, our hangovers are kind of comfy, and make us really appreciate some fried or greasy food the next morning.
Enough bragging – who will think of the children?
Will they go in for alcosynth, which allegedly has the “good effects” of alcohol, described by Nutt as “relaxed or slightly euphoric feelings”.
The basis for this is compounds that mimic the neurotransmitter GABA, which can cause a reduction in anxiety.
So here the question needs to be asked. Is this alcohol, and if not, what type of drug is it? This is useful not only for people whose religion proscribes alcohol, and who are looking for legal or non-legal workarounds to not offend God, but also good to know generally.
GABA is one of the most abundant neurotransmitters in your brain, and messing about with this neural system may seem consequence free, but it is always going to cause significant impairment of judgement and motor function.
So there we have it. Alcosynth sounds like booze to me, ladies and gents. Ha, BTFO Muslims. You guys won’t get to drink THIS either.
And it also means that alcosynth ought not be marketed as a healthy substance that will allow you to drink all you want.
Nonetheless, Nutt is a seemingly credible neuroscientist, and people who like to let loose every now and again and still take care of their bodies ought to be excited about the future of drinking.
Also happy, your boss, and your grades. Hangovers contribute massively to lost work (and uni) productivity in Australia.
Nutt may very well have contributed an extra percentage point to our national GDP. Well done, that man.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.