Christmas Ham is awesome and endorsed by God and Saint Peter, so why all the fuss about pork?

By John Miller

Sunday the 3rd of December, 2017

 

Pork is indeed a magical animal, but it has not always been universally admired. In fact, if you ate it before Saint Peter was sent his divine vision from God which informed him that this meat was now considered clean and fit for Christians to eat, then you were probably a Godless pagan who was defiling their mouth.

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Luckily for us Godly folk, the Resurrection not only assures a future in Paradise for all good Christians, but also allows us to eat Christmas Ham, which after regular Roast Pork and Bacon would be my third favourite type of Pork. But because it only rolls around once a year and it’s the food we eat when we think of Baby Jesus, I’ll bump it up the list to First Place.

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Jesus once drove a herd of devils into a herd of swine, but after God sent his Angel to Saint Peter to inform him that our Christian Covenant with God did not include a Pork ban, those animals were no longer unclean. Those demons still exist though, and probably inhabit John Podesta, Hillary Clinton, and Jeff Bezos.

But the modern pig is a safe and adorable thing that belongs on my plate.

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Our dispensation is recorded in the Acts of the Apostles, which describes the very first years of the Christian Church, as it became more than just a band of Jews who had witnessed the death and resurrection of Christ, and had gone forth amongst the Samaritans and Gentiles to spread the Good News of the Life giving power of Christ.

Some of the new Christians, like Saint Peter himself, wanted the Church to carry on under the Old Covenant of Moses, which is still in place for the Jews, and is why if you persecute the Jews it won’t go well for you.

And for a former Old Covenant man like Peter who was now under the New Covenant, there were still rules to be worked out.

At the time Peter was not only telling the Goy to stop eating pork, but keeping himself apart from them, as they were unclean pagan folk, just like the ferals and atheists and homos of today.

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So we see in the Tenth Chapter of the Acts of the Apostles that Peter goes to visit Cornelius, a Roman centurion in Caesarea that had converted to Christ and received a vision  – A devout man, and one that feared God with all his house, which gave much alms to the people, and prayed to God always.

Verses 3-5: He saw in a vision evidently about the ninth hour of the day an angel of God coming in to him, and saying unto him, Cornelius. And when he looked on him, he was afraid, and said, What is it, Lord? And he said unto him, Thy prayers and thine alms are come up for a memorial before God. And now send men to Joppa, and call for one Simon, whose surname is Peter.

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So Cornelius does as he is told, and sent to Joppa for Peter, where we find the Saint in prayer in the ninth verse.

Verses 9-11: On the morrow, as they went on their journey, and drew nigh unto the city, Peter went up upon the housetop to pray about the sixth hour: And he became very hungry, and would have eaten: but while they made ready, he fell into a trance, And saw heaven opened, and a certain vessel descending unto him, as it had been a great sheet knit at the four corners, and let down to the earth:

And with this God provided a repast of miraculous Pork, and basically told Peter to stop being a fag and eat what was put in front of him.

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Peter wasn’t sure if God was testing him though:

Verses 14-15: But Peter said, Not so, Lord; for I have never eaten anything that is common or unclean. And the voice spake unto him again the second time, What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common.

And in true Saint Peter fashion, he had to be told THREE TIMES, until he finally did the right thing, which just goes to show the miraculous patience of God with idiots who refuse to do as they are told.

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So later when the servants of Cornelius arrive, Peter goes with them, and later makes the pronouncement that we are a Universal faith, and that in the Church we are all equal before the eyes of God, and that cleanliness is something that comes from God and Christ alone.

Verse 28: And he said unto them, Ye know how that it is an unlawful thing for a man that is a Jew to keep company, or come unto one of another nation; but God hath shewed me that I should not call any man common or unclean.

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And after Cornelius had recounted his own vision Saint Peter replied:

Verses 34-37: Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons: But in every nation he that feareth him, and worketh righteousness, is accepted with him. The word which God sent unto the children of Israel, preaching peace by Jesus Christ: (he is Lord of all:) That word, I say, ye know, which was published throughout all Judaea, and began from Galilee, after the baptism which John preached;

Verses 38-39: How God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Ghost and with power: who went about doing good, and healing all that were oppressed of the devil; for God was with him. And we are witnesses of all things which he did both in the land of the Jews, and in Jerusalem; whom they slew and hanged on a tree:

Verses 40-41: Him God raised up the third day, and shewed him openly; Not to all the people, but unto witnesses chosen before of God, even to us, who did eat and drink with him after he rose from the dead.

Verses 42-43: And he commanded us to preach unto the people, and to testify that it is he which was ordained of God to be the Judge of quick and dead. To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins.

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After this confession of what the Christian Faith is, was, and always shall be the Holy Ghost fell upon the Gentiles, who were uncircumcised, and the circumcised Christians who were with Peter were amazed, and this was the very day on which God shewed his proofs of the New Covenant which binds all nations.

So eat your Christmas ham with pride, ye merry Christians.

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Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.

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