Uma Delicia: Brazilian scientist proves Big Bang theory is bull using Black Holes n sheeit

By John Miller

Friday the 1st of December, 2017


Nu-Science killed itself today as the Big Bang theory, which still remains a wildly popular television show watched by millions of cat lovers worldwide, was thrown into the bin, where it joined such other EPIC SCIENCE FAILS as Man-made Global Warming and Infinity Genders.

No sooner had we learned that men who LARP as women will still die of prostate cancer no matter how many times they cut their dick off, and that Antarctica is actually being melted from below by a super-volcano that will eventually cause a mass-extinction event, than we discover that the Big Bang theory IS ALSO A STEAMING PILE OF BS.

Not cutting off benis: Brazilian scientists like physicist Juliano Cesar Silva Neves, whose Origin of the Universe ought to begin with God and end with Original Sin, but it’s slightly more pedestrian than that.


Brain-lord Neves has up-ended the scientific order nonetheless, with his brilliant new Cyclical theory, which sounds a lot like the plot to several Science Fiction books I read when I was a kid, and an idea a bloke I knew in college once proposed, but we all disregarded because his eyes were red and he was studying commerce so we all just presumed he was an idiot.

Slightly more complex and spectacularrrrr – a way of overcoming the problem presented by the GAPING HOLE in the Big Bang theory, the need for the Singularity of Spacetime.

According to Juliano Cesar Silva Neves, it’s easier just to do away Big Bang theory altogether.

His peer reviewed article, which first appeared in the August issue of Brazilian science mag Benis Uma Delicia KKKKK, and was later re-printed in an article entitled Bouncing cosmology inspired by regular black holes in September’s General Relativity and Gravitation journal, where I totally read it in English, Neves puts forward the notion that the universe expands and contracts in a cyclical way.

Dude, that is TOTALLY like what my mate said.

Where you one of those Brazilian exchange students staying at the Murdoch Uni Village?

“One of the consequences of my work could be a ‘cyclical’ vision of the universe,” said Juliano Cesar Silva Neves, a physicist at Brazil’s University of Campinas (IMECC-UNICAMP).


Um, yeah sure, YOUR theory.

As it turns out, Brazil’s University of Campinas IS located in the same city as Ponte Preta, the Brazilian Serie A side that was recently relegated when one of its defenders was caught sticking his thumb up the bum-hole of the opposing player and got red carded, causing his team to melt down and lose.

In what can only be described as SUSPICIOUS, Ponte Preta IS ALSO the local team supported by ANOTHER ONE of my Uni pals from Murdoch.


Ho ho, the plot thickens!

Could Rafa have stolen this EARTH-SHATTERING NEW THEORY from Australia during his time at one of our most laid-back party colleges??? And absconded with it to Sao Paulo state ????

We may never know, because his English is terrible.

Whatever the case, now that we have gotten rid of the Big Bang, we can stop trying to invent a working Theory of Quantum Gravity, the magic wand which science needed all along to make the Big Bang more than a pile of horse droppings, but which NOBODY EVER TALKS ABOUT because they don’t want to appear stupid to other stupid people.


Apart from there being no generally accepted Theory for Quantum Gravity which can even come close to reconciling the Theories of General Relativity and Quantum Mechanics, it all looked so nice though, and complete with a diagram showing how we all came from monkeys, really gave all those fedora tipping nihilist Atheists something to tip their fedoras over.

But I guess its checkmate now, Fags. God is real, Hell is real, and Nu-Science is confirmed Fake and Gay for the third time today!

Still going strong, Real Science, as invented entirely by Christians and Jews like Max Planck and Albert Einstein, the former and elder who gave us the description of the microstructure of spacetime at the so-called Planck scale, the universe’s minimum limit, beyond which the laws of physics break.

And the latter of whom is probably way more popular because he wasn’t head of science for Nazi Germany during ze War.

Planck JUNIOR though, it ought to be noted, gave his life trying to kill Hitler on July 20. This WAS after his father’s house was firebombed by the Allies though, an event which probably set Real Science back 100 years.

We are only now beginning to approach Nazi UFOs on the Moon levels of technology again.

Iron Sky (Still 1) (Crpd)

Getting back to the present day though, in the model proposed by Naves there is no moment in the initial phase during which quantities have infinite values, and in addition, the initial phase is not necessarily the first one.  Confused? Ha, what a dunce. Did you do a commerce degree, mate?

“That is, I reject the idea of the explosion and propose instead a rebound or ricochet,” continued Neves in Brazilian, which is kind of just Portuguese, but with a rural accent.

But don’t tell a Brazilian girl that. She’ll probably hit you. Worth it.

“If that exists, then before the current expansion of the universe there was another, previous phase. If the universe is currently expanding, it means that before that it contracted. On that basis, it’s possible to construct a cyclical model, where the universe experiences successive phases of compression and expansion,” Neves declared, with a final flourish.

Dude. Totally the same thing my bro said. Just saying.


Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.

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