By John Miller
Monday the 27th of November, 2017
Welcome to Straya, Kent. And Surry and the rest.
The Poms are here, they’re queer, and our attack has already gotten the measure of ’em.
It’s far too soon to revisit yesterday’s capitulation and humiliation of the Old Enemy, but worth remembering that this is an old routine for ye Olde England, who wear white for a reason.
I wasn’t around in 1961, and in those days before it was marketed by the beer companies at guys like me kids like my dad thought cricket was only for poofters, so he didn’t care, but I’m sure there were plenty of ashen faces at Old Trafford as Richie Benaud and the Aussies tore through the Poms to retain the Ashes.
Sweet Jesus, look at this performance by Richie!
And 201 all out. Shamefur dispray, England. Oh but wait, check out THESE chokers LOL….
Mitchell Starc ran through England like a musket ball from George Washington’s rifle, as wickets fell left and right, dashing England’s hopes of escaping from the former Colonies without their ritual bout of humiliation.
Josh Hazlewood was key, and his roar after dismissing England captain Joe Root was echoed around the nation.
We ought not overlook Nathan Lyon either, who toiled away to get the ball working, dismissing Mark Stoneman and Dawid Malan in the opening session. Every man played his part to perfection, and the nation could not be prouder of them.
Warner and Bancroft did the rest, seeing off the flaccid England attack to win the First Test at the Gabba by a glorious ten wickets, but total victory was already in the bag, as Steve Smith’s men rallied to heroic Captain Australia, and his bowlers routed the Poms so badly it felt like Bannockburn all over again, with crying and humiliated Englishmen everywhere.
The day had started out so promising. Joe Root had patiently set about building England’s lead towards 100 when Hazelwood trapped him, but by Lunch the writing was on the wall for the Olde England.
Moeen Ali and Jonny Bairstow barely got a partnership flowing, and quick-wits Paine made his mark, and stumped Moeen. It was a case of every Aussie doing his job, a real team effort, and the rampant Aussies will go to Adelaide cocky AF.
Bairstow and Chris Woakes spent a little while at the crease together, and the Poms crept up to 159.
Then the Australian pace attack really stepped up, bent its back, and turned the screws. Queue Mitchell Starc, who I can’t quite think of as THE Mitch just yet, because of Mitchell Johnson, so let’s call him Starcy.
Starcy took the old ball (69 bounces) and he terrorised Woakes and Bairstow, who threw their wickets away and ran back to the sheds like it was the 14th century and they were running away from the King of Scotland.
Listening to the crowd ooh to the lofty shot by Johnny Bairstow, and the jubilation as the ball fell into Handscomb’s hands to see him go, was just like pottery. Bairstow had no faith in his tail, and it showed.
The same over, Starc bowled full at Broad, who got a nick, and Timmy Paine lobbied for and got him on review. Starc got his three-fer.
Pat Cummins began to batter the English tail, and scared Ball off in four deliveries. England had lost 4 for 10 in just 20 balls.
It was all over bar the shouting. Australia by 10 wickets.
The Second Test begins in Adelaide on the 2nd of December.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.