By John Miller
Tuesday the 21st of November, 2017
After being lazily harassed by several Melbourne memelords over the last week or two, Coles today capitulated to the autistic children who were spamming their twitter with Hitler porn, and rolled out Quiet Hour nationwide. An own goal against cultural Marxism, lads. Well done.
Quiet Hour is the autism-friendly shopping hour which Coles was trialling in Melbourne, the bleeding heart of Australian degeneracy and the chief cause of our moral and decay since 1855, when some poofter was sent over from England by the Freemasons to stop Irish gold prospectors from making a living wage.
The state which began as a drunken plot against the rum-sotted government of New South Wales by the fancy alcoholics of the queer landed gentry of South New Holland, has today expanded it legacy beyond just being a great place to shoot Catholics and complain about industrious Chinamen who take all your gold.
The latest game-changing Victorian innovation: low-sensory shopping.
/auspol/ Melbourne was quick to join forces with the revolutionary complaining classes that they usually pretend to have no common ground with.
“What’s the flaming point of this, my dear mother already drives down to Liquorland for me and gets me booze once a fortnight anyway,” remarked one good Christian anon.
“My mom went shopping there the other day and because my fun head little brother wasn’t crying the whole time, all she bought back was funny groceries,” chimed in another.
“Ha fun you chaps, my missus does all the shopping. What a bunch of poofters,” added an anon who probably wasn’t an undergraduate or an edgy private schoolboy any more, and who may have been lying about having a missus who does the shopping.
The Quiet Hour program, which reduces noise and distractions to make shopping easier for weak minded fags who think that their anxieties are real, was met with widespread praise from Melbournefags during a trial at Ringwood and Balwyn East.
In several feel-good embedded marketing stories that someone who works for Coles managed to convince national media to run by reminding them that they were urine soaked ants and giant dong Coles can have them shot and buried in the desert next to several dozen uppity dairy farmers, generic Australian mothers thanked Coles for everything they are doing for working families and promised to purchase even more Smart Buy polony for their Dexie addled rug-rats in the future.
During Quiet Hour, store lighting is dimmed by 50 per cent, Coles Radio is switched off, register and scanner volumes reduced to the lowest level, trolley collection stopped, and customers who are drunk or just talking loudly in Chinese are asked politely to stahp by a guy who sports a neat teenage beard and enjoys being violently assaulted or sworn at in Cantonese for dope money.
Free fruit is also offered at customer service, which will come as a pleasant surprise to the European backpackers who regularly haunt the vegetable isle and help themselves to free grapes for dinner every day because they are broke, but who can somehow inexplicably always afford to go out drinking every night of the week.
Too bad chaps and thots, free fruit is only available every Tuesday between 10.30am and 11.30am. Where’s my free rock melon, I’m on summer vacation.
As some man whose children will probably go skiing in Japan this Summer and get a new car and pony said about it all:
“At Coles, we are always looking at ways we can meet the differing needs of our autistic and NEET customers. Praise Keek.”
He later apologised to Kek for getting his name wrong, and agreed to undertake a further six weeks of diversity training at the Hyatt instead of performing his many and other onerous duties. He further agreed that all religions and non-religions are equally wonderful, and showed assembled media a giant novelty cheque for one thousand dollerydoos made out to the Shrine of Autism in Kekistan, which nobody bothered to tell him doesn’t exist.
Linzi Coyle, community engagement and operations manager at Autism Spectrum Australia, said some things which were probably quite important, and I apologise to her profusely for even mentioning her name and promise to never do so again. I further agree to donate one hundred dollerydoos to Autism Spectrum Australia as soon as I get my post-grad and make enough money to repay my HECS debt.
QUIET HOUR LOCATIONS for autists: NEW SOUTH WALES: Banora Point, Bega, Brighton-Le-Sands, Caringbah, Castle Hill, Epping, Goulburn, Inverell, Kings Langley, Lisarow, Manly Vale, Medowie, Moss Vale, Old Bar, Pyrmont, Ulladulla, Wadalba, Warners Bay, Wattle Grove, Wellington • QUEENSLAND: Cairns Central, Caloundra, Cleveland, Everton Park, Helensvale, Kippa Ring, Marsden, Maryborough, Mt Gravatt, Mudgeeraba, Newfarm, Rockhampton South, Toowoomba, Townsvillel, Annandale • SOUTH AUSTRALIA: Anzac Highway, Mount Barker, Park Holme, Port Pirie, Tea Tree Plaza • NORTHERN TERRITORY: Casuarina — Bradshaw St • VICTORIA: Altona Meadows, Balwyn East, Belmont, Benalla, Brandon Park, Brighton, Brunswick West, Burnside, Cranbourne West, Eltham, Essendon Fields, Ferntree Gully, Fitzroy, Langwarrin, Newtown, Pakenham Lakeside, Prahran, Ringwood, Wendouree • WESTERN AUSTRALIA: Erskine, Floreat, Hillarys, Kalgoorlie, Margaret River, Mundaring, South Lakes, Southern River
Please also stop selling insanely bright coloured fruits, and turn all the boxes of cereal with pictures of smiling people on them around so that I don’t feel like the cereal aisle is laughing at me.
Woolies and IGA genocide when. Feel free to just turn up and sperg out lads, especially if your local Coles feels oppressive during your regular shopping hours.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.