Argies lost 20,000 Leagues under the Sea: Team America to the rescue again

By John Miller

Sunday the 19th of November, 2017


ARA San Juan, missing since Wednesday after its communications room was damaged in a likely attack of the Kraken, has somehow miraculously managed to make contact with the surface again, possibly through the timely intervention of telepathic dolphins.

All Argentina breathes a sigh of relief for these brave submariners, as hopes are revived that the crew can still be rescued.


Argentine Defense Minister Oscar Aguad tweeted out the news Saturday night, and President Trump has already mobilised the full might and power of the U.S. Navy and Air Force, to rescue the beleaguered Argies from the bottom of the Sea.

Admiral Gabriel Gonzalez added that the Argentine Armada is on standby to help Team America, but having already lost one Galleon to the monster, are wary of another approach.


This Sunday as you go to Church, the full glory of the U.S. Navy and Air Force is being deployed to undertake a massive rescue mission. Having already located the missing submarine, they have only to decide who gets to swoop in take all the glory of total victory for America, and take the unfortunately named Argentinian Seamen from out of the monster’s tentacles.

Undersea Rescue Comand already has two independent rescue assets in place in the Southern Atlantic, to film the heroic rescue for Stars and Stripes from the best angles.

The highly trained American sailors, marines and airman can be expected to get the job done, but what happens after the monster is beaten?


Advanced American technology is already in place to get the Argentines back to the surface. The Submarine Rescue Chamber will utilise an underwater system called Remotely Operated Vehicle to climb down to depths of 850-feet and pull to safety up to six persons at a time, unless they are as fat as Maradona, in which case the US Navy will use a crane and bellows.

The sailors will also be relying on the Pressurised Rescue Module, which can rescue up to 16 personnel at a time, by sealing over the submarine’s hatch, allowing the sailors to safely transfer to the recuse chamber.


The Navy’s P-8A Poseidon multi-mission maritime aircraft and a NASA P-3 research aircraft will then whisk the rescued men away from the creatures of Poseidon and back to Argentina, where they can thank Jesus and America for their heroic rescue.

The ARA San Juan is a German-built TR 1700 class diesel-electric submarine. Another German engineering fail. SAD.


Before the Kraken attack on Wednesday, the vessel was on a routine trip from a base in Ushia, on the southern tip of the continent, to its home base of Mar del Plata.

The submarine is currently in a Kraken lair near the San Jorge Gulf, about 240 nautical miles from the southern shore of Argentina.


Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I’m an Aussie and when I’m not obsessing about Conservative politics or defending Trump I also enjoy various sports and Christian activities.

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