By John Miller
Thursday the 16th of November, 2017
How DO you fill all those column inches and media minutes in the scandal rags and tabloid network vanity projects of Carlos Slim or Jeff Bezos? You know, if it’s a slow Fake News day?
I know, let’s whip up another WATERGATE: President Donald Trump today stopped the planet by drinking water.
Yes, GEOTUS quenched his thirst in the middle of being pestered by the lowlife scumbags who infest the Fourth Estate for their lowlife scumbag Oligarch masters, and journos were incensed for the fifteenth time that day.
He’s drinking water at the podium, the absolute madman!
As it turns out, President Trump not only feeds the Emperor of Japan’s koi however he likes, he also stops to take a drink of water WHENEVER HE DARN PLEASES.
Some wags even had the temerity to compare Trump’s lusty attack on an expensive big boy bottle of water with the nervous and desperate sipping of Little Marco from a cheap and tiny piece of retrograde plastic. Fortunately for Trump, he sleeps soundly at night on a giant bed made out of the skulls of dead Communists. He doesn’t live in a constant state of trepidation because his soul is being kept in a glass cabinet somewhere in the basement of the Manhattan Institute.
Yup, because when you are living right, there’s just no need to be shaky and nervous while doing mundane things like treating bottom feeding journalists with the contempt they deserve.
You can really stop and chug that pure refreshing aqua vitae in a cool, calm, and collected, but yet completely vigorous fashion.
Are you tired of being a nervous sweaty creep who gets bullied by Fake News? Then start drinking that water like President Donald Trump, my man!
Here are your Pro tips:
Make everyone stop and watch you quench you thirst.
Open bottle with a display of brute strength (only attempt with powerful hands).
Remain totally cool.
Quench your thirst like a madman.
Anybody else feel like a Trump Ice right now?
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I currently live in Australia and I write about things that concern me as a Christian, or as a cranky guy. These days I spend all my spare time defending the best (and only worthy) President of the United States since Reagan. Totally worth it. Bring back that 80s prosperity and the Moral Majority, Mr President. Christians4Trump. MAGA.