By John Miller
Friday the 10th of November, 2017
Most of us don’t get a long time for our lunch break, and can’t afford to eat at some place that has tablecloths every day of the week. You don’t always get a sandwich lovingly packed, and may not necessarily want to eat it even if you do.
In circumstances such as these, after some swift mental gymnastics, and after sucking your gut in while you walk past your reflection in a High Street window, you might well consider your fast food options if you are a normal human living in an advanced society.
There is of course one fat soaked option that rules all the others, and that is fried chicken. Many tasty animals exist, some of which are broadly offensive as food, but mankind is united by its love for deep fried poultry.
Colonel Sanders has always been my favourite, but has he just been plotting to kill me all along? Is he just another evil Colonel like Colonel Mustard or Colonel Gaddafi, or the many other nefarious Colonels of history?
While eating KFC in the food court today I wondered how bad it was for me, and so I did a little research.
Relax gluttons, here is everything else that will kill you first.
Things that will kill you #1: Breathing in India or China (Tied First Place)
According to a study done by a PRESTIGIOUS medical journal recently, the number one killer of mankind is pollution, but as it turns out by a quick look at the underlying statistics this was a complete fabrication. What will actually kill you is cooking with a traditional stove in a poorly ventilated room in India, or living anywhere near the Dickensian factories of Stalinist China.
That so many Chinese and Indians are dying of toxic inhalation is kind of alarming, and I feel kind of bad that it was caused by guys who buy ten pairs of sneakers every two months, but it’s not a high-risk factor where I am.
Things that will kill you #2: Smoking (Tied First Place – Western ed.)
The number one killer in the West is tobacco, and everybody knows the risks. Smoking is pretty much just a system of taxing people with poor impulse control. Clean living has its advantages, so sort yourself out.
Things that will kill you #3: Communicable diseases (Tied Silver)
Malaria and tuberculosis are still rampant in some parts of the world, but I never really hear about them where I am. These two diseases and AIDs are the big-time killers of the disease pantheon.
AIDs is generally confined to drug users and the sexually promiscuous. As long as I never have get a blood transfusion in California, where Governor Moonbeam recently made it illegal to ask donors about their HIV status, I should be OK. Once again, clean living has its advantages.
So far so good if you live in the West, don’t smoke, and avoid degenerate hook-ups.
Things that will kill you #4: Alcohol (Tied Silver – Western ed.)
I’m not much of drinker now, but I have been known to go on the odd party bender in times past. Even if you aren’t an alcoholic, you can still destroy your body quite easily with what most people call social drinking.
More people die of binge drinking in the West than die of communicable diseases, although one is often related to the other in the case of STDs.
The glamorous image of a photoshopped model you think you are on alcohol may bear little resemblance to the blathering idiot whose impaired decision-making skills led him or her to be scooped off the pavement by ambos or the police and then taken to the hospital.
Once again, clean living is the best life. Church life is great.
Things that will kill you #5: Being born in the wrong country (Tied Bronze)
Malnutrition is a ghastly business, but not really something that it has ever occurred to me that I might die of.
Things that will kill you #6: Road accidents (Tied Bronze – Western ed.)
Even if you lead a good Christian life, don’t smoke, don’t cheat on your wife or husband, and refrain from drinking except for perhaps a glass on very special occasions, you are still more likely to die on the road than from eating fried chicken – BOOM. Case closed. Eat the chicken.
This is not the whole story of course. Gluttony is a sin, and being obese is VERY unhealthy.
In the general scheme of things however, every moderately fit person should feel good about buying KFC every now and again.
Just remember that the bucket is meant for the whole family, tubby.
Full disclosure: John Miller’s IRL name is Frank Faulkner. I currently live in Australia and I write about things that concern me as a Christian, or as a cranky guy. These days I spend all my spare time defending the best (and only worthy) President of the United States since Reagan. Totally worth it. Bring back that 80s prosperity and the Moral Majority, Mr President. Christians4Trump. MAGA.