Bible right again, Science apologises to Joshua

By John Miller

Wednesday the 1st of November, 2017


Cambridge University professors were recently stunned to discover that the Bible was right all along, after a recent study of solar eclipses in the Holy Land.

We can now precisely date events faithfully recorded by Joshua in the tenth chapter of his book to October 30th, 1207 BC. This has far reaching implications, such as dating the Exodus of God’s Chosen People from Egypt under Moses, the predecessor of Joshua as leader the Israelites.

Did I just hear some Wikipedia sock puppet historian chime in about Jericho being destroyed during the Middle Bronze Age? Thank you for your contribution brainlord, we are all well aware that the first New Kingdom Theban pharaohs sacked Jericho to the point of obliteration. Are you aware that ancient cities were often rebuilt, because the sites they occupied were extremely attractive for resettlement, and that Jericho was in fact rebuilt no later than Thuthmose IV?

I mention this because the conquest of Canaan by Joshua has in the past been ridiculed, or the timeline shifted around by centuries, by those of little faith in the inerrant Word of God. We don’t need to try and fit in with whatever hip new theory is doing the rounds. Science will catch up with us eventually.


Jericho was only abandoned for good after the LORD took down its walls, and we know that this was in the Ramessid era, because Moses himself told us that the Israelites were building the treasure houses of Ramses.

Ramses II was a notorious braggart who was given a good thrashing by the Hittites and Amorites at Kadesh, and then he fled back to Egypt without his army. After this Ramses II then proceeded to inscribe his monuments with tales of a great victory over the Hittites, despite ceding everything in Canaan north of Kadesh to the Hittite Empire, and losing South Canaan to the Amorites.

Upon the word of Ramessid propagandists we are expected to believe he wasn’t drowned in the Red Sea for his hubris by God, and several pointy headed Egyptologists who think they have greater authority than Moses to speak about facts they never witnessed have even presented to us the purported authentic corpse of Ramesses II, who died of old age.

Do you mean the red headed white man who was buried in the tomb of Ahmose Inhapy of the Second Intermediate period?

Mind your business, sir, there is a good reason that the tomb of Rameses the Great was empty, and it was not tomb robbers. Is what the priest Pinudjem II jotted down during the Third Intermediate period so much more authoritative than what Moses wrote, who was an eye witness?

Run along now “””Egyptologists”””, you are embarrassing yourselves.


So now that we have established that Moses and Joshua were of exemplary character, and that Pinudjem II was a revisionist liar, and that Anwar Sadat paid homage to the corpse of somebody who was not Ramesses the Second, whose tomb always lay empty, let us enjoy the story of Joshua and Israelites.

It is the reign of Merenpetah, the successor of Ramesses II. The Israelites have crossed the Jordan, and come from Jericho and Ai, and made an alliance with the city of Gibeon.

The Battle of the Five Kings against the Israelites, from the Book of Joshua, Chapter 10 (1207 BC)

Verses 5 – 10

“Therefore the five kings of the Amorites, the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jarmuth, the king of Lachish, the king of Eglon, gathered themselves together, and went up, they and all their hosts, and encamped before Gibeon, and made war against it.

And the men of Gibeon sent unto Joshua to the camp to Gilgal, saying, Slack not thy hand from thy servants; come up to us quickly, and save us, and help us: for all the kings of the Amorites that dwell in the mountains are gathered together against us. So Joshua ascended from Gilgal, he, and all the people of war with him, and all the mighty men of valour.

And the Lord said unto Joshua, Fear them not: for I have delivered them into thine hand; there shall not a man of them stand before thee.

Joshua therefore came unto them suddenly, and went up from Gilgal all night. And the Lord discomfited them before Israel, and slew them with a great slaughter at Gibeon, and chased them along the way that goeth up to Bethhoron, and smote them to Azekah, and unto Makkedah.”

Events of October 30th, 1207 BC

Verses 11 – 14

“And it came to pass, as they fled from before Israel, and were in the going down to Bethhoron, that the Lord cast down great stones from heaven upon them unto Azekah, and they died: they were more which died with hailstones than they whom the children of Israel slew with the sword.

Then spake Joshua to the Lord in the day when the Lord delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon.

And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day.

And there was no day like that before it or after it, that the Lord hearkened unto the voice of a man: for the Lord fought for Israel.”

All of this can be precisely dated to the oldest solar eclipse ever recorded. Oh ho, what’s this? Now the dates of Egyptian pharaohs are being to recalibrated to fit what Joshua wrote?

Cop that, “””Egyptologists”””.


My copy of Ian Shaw’s Oxford History of Ancient History knew less than my Bible. Now I have to subtract 3 years from all the kings in the Ramessid period chronology. Sad.

Imagine my shock that Pharaoh Merneptah declared victory against Israel in Canaan on his stele.

Those cocky Ramessids, always bigging themselves up.

Thank you professors, Sir Colin Humphreys and Graeme Waggington, for helping us date this important battle, when God and the Israelites triumphed over the Amorites in Canaan, with not a Theban Archer in sight.

Yes, yes, we all know how great the pyramid builders of the Old Kingdom were, and the Thebans of the Middle and New Kingdoms. Relax, Egypt, nobody can take that away from you.

Heh, but what a bunch of scurrilous liars the Ramessids were. Do you even Ramesses III and the Sea Peoples, bro?

Ah, but Samson and the Philistines is a story for another day.


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